SPEAK YOUR MIND
(A well-dressed spokesman type stands center stage. He begins to speak in an earnest, calm, confident tone of voice.)
Ladies and gentleman, how many times has this happened to you? You see someone attractive, say at a party, and you long to tell them what you're really thinking, but you just chicken out. Throw all your fears out the window, because with my simple 3 step method, even the most embarrassing statements are as easy as pie, as long as you say them the Ted Thomas way. Watch as I tell that very pretty woman my most intimate desire. . .
(He points to stage right, then walks somewhat innocently over there. He looks the woman up and down, clears his throat, and then speaks in an exaggerated voice, with a blank look on his face.)
Excuse me, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention that upon extensive scrutiny of your derrier, I've come to the conclusion that it contains impressively minor traces of cellulite, therefore prompting me to request more immediate exploration.
(He waits blankly for a reaction, then smiles and heads back to center stage, starting his pitch on the way.)
Ha, ha, ha. Smooth as silk. Because I followed the ever crucial Ted Thomas Step #1: Use convoluted and verbiose language, including obscure adjectives, verbs and unconventional syntax. They might not understand what you've said, but think of the relief you'll feel for getting it off your chest. Why, even really bad news has almost no sting when stretched out into a long, confusing paragraph.
Wouldn't it be satisfying to be able to hurl a condescending and amusing barb at a total stranger, with little or no chance of actually offending them? Watch as I tell that fellow what bad breath he has . . .
(He locates a man off to stage right and walks briskly over to him. When he's in close proximity, he takes a few big sniffs, taps the man on the shoulder, clears his throat and begins in the exaggerated tone of voice.)
While the pungent and aromatic scent of garlic can be a delightful addition to many delicious culinary treats, I would hesitate to include said spice in any normal array of dental hygenic procedures.
(He waits for a response with a blank look on his face as the man responds)
(He responds in his normal voice and then heads back to center stage. He begins his pitch on the way back.)
Ha, ha. Always employ Step #2: Speak with confidence in a loud, bemused tone, devoid of any real emotion. This handy device in- sures that they will receive mixed signals, instantly giving you an out, if you need one.
How many times have you wanted to really give someone a piece of your mind, but feared a violent reaction in return? Now you can attack at will, the Ted Thomas way . . .
(He walks toward stage right, bumping accidently into a person that is standing there. They react angrily and he blinks and cringes his facial muscles in reaction, but keeps his body firm and relaxed. He then responds in the exaggerated tone.)
Now would be as good a time as any to engage in sexual intercourse with yourself.
(He immediately starts back to center stage, laughing and rejoining his pitch.)
Ha, ha. Never forget Step #3: No matter what the reaction, laugh calmly and walk away rapidly. This can prevent any request for further clarification, as well as getting one out of the range of fists or other flying objects.
As you can see, speaking your mind has never been this easy. But you inquire, "Ted, what if I have poor verbal skills, and a limited vocabulary." No problem, as long as you carry my specially designed Ted Thomas Pocket Conversion Guide, filled with examples used by actual lawyers and politicians.
(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small address book sized item.)
Allow me to demonstrate. Just yell out a statement that you've been longing to tell someone straight to their face, and I'll convert it for you.
(An audience member yells out a suggestion, he finds the page it's on and reads the new way to say it.)
Ah, (suggestion). . . page 41. Yes, why say (suggestion), when you can convert it to (improv).
Please, yell out one more!
(He listens to the new suggestion, then searches for it in the book, somewhat stalling and not finding it. He then starts to panic and get defensive, and eventually has an emotional breakdown.)
Ah, yes, (suggestion) . . . a very good one. Let me see, I believe it's right here. No, um, maybe it's in this section. Hmm, I guess it's not in this book. Hey, that's not fair! And what do you mean by saying (suggestion), you don't even know me. I mean I'm very sensitive and all and that's a really mean thing to say. How would you like it if someone said that to you, huh? Don't laugh! STOP IT! STOP!!!!!!!!
(He runs off the stage crying)