(Set in the corner of the dining room of a tacky, ugly restaurant chain. A spotlight sweeps across the tiny wood paneled dance floor as we hear . . .)
VO: It's Sunday night here at Mr. Chops Family Style restaurant and that could mean only one thing -- ladies, gentleman, diners of all ages, won't you please give a warm welcome to everyone's favorite dinner guest -- SEBASTIAN!!!
(A middle-aged smarmy guy with a ridiculous Elvis Presley-ish styled blond wig, burgundy crushed velvet tuxedo jacket and red sequined bow tie comes jaunting out as the piano accompanist plays a simple, catchy, repetitive tune in the style of a big, shmaltzy, Las Vegas opening number.)
Everyone's dressed to the nines
The music swells, the spotlight shines
Entertaining makes me grin --
My name is Se-bass-chee-in.
The grills are hot, your plates are full
Enjoy the show, I'm sure that you'll!
Thank you, thank you, you're so very kind . . . thanks. Welcome to Mr.Chops and welcome to my Prime Time show. I see some familiar faces outthere as usual . . . and as usual at Mr. Chops, when it's Sunday it's Well-DoneDay. Anyone requesting their chops well-done receives a complimentaryside order of vinegar beet salad! How 'bout that?!? Hey, but don't thankme, thank your wonderful host, Mr. Chops himself, Ralph Smith! Whereare you Ralph? There he is! Give 'em a big hand! Alright.
And on the keyboards, everybody say a big hello to Beatrice Appleburg!Beatrice just loves the Mr. Chops baked potato bar, free with every entree. Take a walk on over there and check out the condiments -- they'refantastic. You know, Bea is not just the piano player here at Mr. Chops; shehas another job. She's our very own in-house meat tenderizer! Every dayat 9 am Bea is busy at work in the walk-in meat locker pummeling andpounding all our choicest chops into soft, tasty morsels ready for cooking.I've seen her back there with the music from the Rocky movie blaringaway, punching some steer with her bare hands, just for you! So why notgive her a nice round of applause before she beats the heck outa' you?Just kidding of course. Don't miss Beatrice every Thursday night as shebacks up Bavarian born Papa Oompa and our Bratwurst plate is only $8.99! I'd like to dedicate this next one to Bea, 'cause "She's Dynamite"!
(Same tune as before, but now in the style of Jerry Lee Lewis.)
Check out that chick over there
Electric eyes and fiery hair
When our lips meet we'll both ignite
Shaboom shaboom -- She's dynamite!
She'll blow your mind to smithereens
Like Mr. Chops' Rump Roast Supreme!
Yeah, "She's Dynamite", goin' way back to 1963, my first big hit. Thankyou. But there were many more to come . . . "Hey! Hey! USA!", "Simon SaysDance", and from my second album Sebastian's Back -- "Kiss Me If You Can", thanks so much, you're very kind. Y'know it was almost 25 yearsto the day after my "forced" retirement that Ralph Smith, a real regularguy and lifelong Sebastian fan spotted me doing an impromptu perform-ance for the ticket holders line outside the Tom Jones show at the Schen-ectady Civic Center and offered me a gig right here. I don't have to tellyou that jumped at the opportunity. I've gotta say that Ralph has been like a brother to me and all you terrific folks coming out here every Sunday are like, well, first cousins or something. I guess that's what makesthis the Family Style restaurant that it is.
(Suddenly serious and emotional.)
Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to get a little serious for a moment. You know the children are our future. They rely on us adults to set an example, put them on the right path, show them the way if you will. It's so importantthat we all get along; togetherness is everything. That's why I've writtenthis next song, to send a message to the young, and the young at heart . . ."You Plus Me Equals Us". Beatrice . . .
(Same tune again, but slowly and gently with a Mr. Roger's feel.)
You plus me equals us
Sing the voices on the bus
Sitting alone is no fun
Two is so much better than one
There'd be no husband without a wife
What good's a steak without a knife?
Thank you. I hope all you youngsters got that message, and I hope youanswered all those Bamboozling Brainteasers on your place mats, 'cause ifyou did, Joe the Maitre D' has got a Squeezy Wheezy Cow toy for each andevery one of you, courtesy of Mr. Chops! And don't forget all you momsand dads, every Wednesday night is Kid's night and our Junior Filet MinYum! Special is just $6.99, 'cause you're never too young to eat beef!
I see that my favorite waitress Marge has just brought out a meatloaf platter with my name on it over at table two, so before I dig in let me saythat I've had a great time tonight and I hope you have too. . . Beatrice . . .
(Same tune again, but Las Vegas style like the opening.)
Singing for you was a treat
Goodbye, good night, enjoy your meat!