INTESTINES
Employee: Yes sir, can I help you?
Customer: Hello. I'd like to buy a brand new intestine for myself today.
Would that be at all possible?
Employee: Why surely sir. Would you like a small or a large?
Customer: Well, I dunno.
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BOAN-GA-LOAR
Boan-ga-loar, Boan-ga-loar
Wee-no-see-shee-eet-no-moar
Wair-shee-hyde, wair-shee-hyde
Shee-no-hyde-shee-tearn-tue-syde
No-wan-fude, shee-bee-sik
Oan-lee-hed-bee-thing-dat-thik
Boan-ga-loar, Boan-ga-loar
Whye-doo-yoo-no-eet-no-moar
Boan-ga-loar, Boan-ga-loar
Yes-tue-day-shee-moan-no-moar
--------------------------------
CAR RAP
Car
Fuel injection
jerk choke
clutch choke choke jerk choke choke jerk
clutch exhaust stall flat
Speed honk honk honk cruise crawl park
Inspection -
- - antenna
pump inflate pump pump inflate
pump inflate pump pump
Blowout blowout
pump inflate pump pump die
Jumpstart battery
Shock charge hesitate . . . inspect gauge BEEP BEEP
Shock charge inspect gauge BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Starter motor cruise control
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RIBBONS & BOWS
Ribbons & bows, ribbons & bows
My baby goes for ribbons & bows
My baby goes for ribbons & bows quicker than roses
How was your day? Oh that's just great
Now will you listen to me, dear?
As long as I bring home a box that holds something expensive
for you it's immaterial that my anger is so extensive
Ribbons & bows, ribbons & bows
My baby goes for ribbons & bows quicker than roses
Presently your present sits so pleasantly alone
Wining when we're dining will not make that gift your own
I know that you're adorable and my career is famous
You know we are wrapped up in something that cannot contain us
You see I see that all you see in me are gifts and paparazzi
But what you get is what I see as something that will never stop me
thinking about ringing your stinking little neck with some of those
Ribbons & bows, ribbons & bows
My baby goes for ribbons & bows
My baby goes for ribbons & bows quicker than roses
Ribbons & bows, ribbons & bows
My baby knows what money can buy
--------------------------------
TASTE
Imagine a house that crawls with a thousand nightmares . . .
Imagine living in that house, forever . . .
The Inferior Decorator . . .
Never before has a lack of taste been so frightening . . .
--------------------------------
D.W. I.
" . . . and so Nancy and I promise to drive down every
single street in this country."
--------------------------------
ASSASSINATIONAL
Up until now, assassination has been TOP SECRET BUSINESS.
But with the new Assassinational credit card, being an accomplice
to murder is only a phone call away!!!
Need some killing done? We'll take credit for it.
ASSASSINATIONAL
We issue a monthly statement.
Presidents, heads of state, figure heads, you dictate
Where and when, who you hate, then we eliminate.
Car bombs, letter bombs, let us bomb their hotel.
You select the type of kill, we guarantee to do it well.
Poison snakes, poison drinks, dripping water on the head.
ASSASSINATIONAL
We'll insure that they are dead.
--------------------------------
EULOGY SOLILOQUY
Man: He was a nice man.
Younger Man: He was an old man.
Old Woman: He was a very nice old man.
--------------------------------
ONCE
Oh, I'm the guy you'll only meet once in your life
I'm the guy you'll only meet once in your life
I'm the guy you'll only meet
I'm the guy you'll only meet
I'm the guy you'll only meet
You'll only meet me once
I opened the door for you at the place where you work
I sat next to you on our plane trip
I carried your bags at the hotel
I gave you the time of day
I'm the guy you'll only meet once in your life
I'm the guy you'll only meet once in your life
I'm the guy you'll only meet
I'm the guy you'll only meet
I'm the guy you'll only meet
You'll only meet me once
I'm the guy who checked you out at the local meat market
I'm the guy who drove you home once, for a small charge
I'm the guy who kissed you first
I'm the guy you dreamt about once in your life
One day I was responsible for all your children
I'm the guy you'll only meet once in your life
We'll only meet once
--------------------------------
POP THE QUESTION
Girl: Do you love me?
Guy: I do.
--------------------------------
SUMMER MORNING, I'M DUE
Conversation, we lit up
with the grass on our backs and minds
Between my spring and my fall
we turned and learned what we would find
Summer morning, I'm due and melted away
Summer morning, I'm due and melted away from you
My shoulders are colder, it'd be a breeze to leave
but all my falls are back to you, your warmth meant much to me
Those feelings, they fade like my tan, and like dew on top of green
those minutes which just dripped off the hour
will not last longer than how long they can be seen
on this
Summer morning, I'm due and melted away
Summer morning, I'm due to fall out of love with you
--------------------------------
DEAR SO & SO
You like to go on an ego excursion
First class diversion, no fare for me
Turbulence does help to pilot your brain plane
to see the brain pain fuming from me
Concede conceit, admit defeat
You wrote the note to Dear So & So, Dear So & So and so on
Concede conceit, admit defeat
You wrote the note to Dear So & So
You mustn't think
"I'll let him know, he'll let me go. The letter goes out tonight."
But you smudge your ink and continue to think "He's way below me."
I'm on the brink so don't try to phone me, phoney.
We might just go on but you need coersion
from me, urgently, so you'll care for me.
Concede conceit, admit defeat
You wrote the note to Dear So & So
And so on and so on we might just go on
but you need coersion, first class
--------------------------------
THE PRATT FAMILY
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Pratt Family . . .
Mrs. Pratt: And what would you like with your peanut butter, son?
Little Brat: Emm, couldd I have a significant glob of jelly?
Mr. Pratt: There will be NO significant globs today, son. Uh-uh.
Little Brat: Ha ha ha ha, daddy used spurious gibberish.
Mrs. Pratt: Will you both please suck in?
--------------------------------
BOUNCING BABY
Mother holding baby: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Oooops!!!
My oh my am I whoopsidaisical today!
--------------------------------
BLUES IN MY BEER
Blues in my beer, red's in my eye
Dark in my thoughts, darken the sky
Blues in my beer
When we tied the knot, not a minute could go on without her
It's been a very long alcoholic journey I've been on
We thought our marriage was stashed away
under the piles of powder and dust
But as I reflect and look down at myself,
I can now see what uncovered us
And now that my ship's come in, I can't stop thinking about her
Blues in my beer, red's in my eye
Cash in my thoughts, embark on this life
--------------------------------
KENNY'S CLEANSER
Kenny: Hi! I'm Kenny! My new cleanser works great!!!
It scrapes those tough stains right off the dish!
Try it!!!!!
Announcer: Kenny's Cleanser. It's very abrasive.
--------------------------------
SLEEPLESS
Sleepless, oh baby I'm sleepless
I can't count sheep when I cannot count on you lying in the same bed
Sleepless, oh you keep me sleepless
Not a wink, not a drink at all
You worry about me so much that I make you move in your sleep
enough to give me motion sickness
Still somehow I'm able to keep you
and you keep me too, sleepless
I owe you girl for caring a lot, but I'm gonna sleep in a cot
Sleeping with you in the same bed is going to my head
You're stirring in bed and stirring my head over you
and all the things you're dreaming, sleepless
Oh honey the sun is out
Isn't it time for your breakfast-time pout?
All because I'm sleepless
I'm overly tired of my wife
a very large part of my life
Driving me to a groggy grave
being bedridden with her
--------------------------------
SWINGING ON THE FAMILY TREE
It's Saturday afternoon, one o'clock, Granny's house
Grandpapa says Aunt Sarah's bringing her brand new spouse
Uncle Mel, who the hell is he?
Well he'll miss out if he comes late 'cause
picking apples from the apple tree and filling up a wooden crate
has easily got to be, altogether, really fun with your family
Did anyone ever tell you that
you've got your daddy's brains, you've got your mommy's looks
But I can't seem to pinpoint your personality
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on
Cousins and nephews, some twice removed
Aunties and uncles, some act removed
Granny and Grandpa are very confused
not which is which but just who is who
You've got your daddy's thoughts, you've got your mommy's smerks
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on
The cool little breeze, these marvellous trees
It's almost a state of sweet utter bliss
But drinking my family's sharp apple cider
is getting me mentally utterly pissed
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging on the family tree
Swinging
--------------------------------
NEON MOON
Souvenir cheese! Souvenir cheese!
Meet the man himself!
Meteor Burgers . . .
They're meatier.
Warp-warp-gravitize
Brake, air-brake dancin'.
"I'm grieving a crater-full of tears.
Don't leave me on neon moon."
--------------------------------
BAD MAGICIAN
Magical illusion, tragical conclusion
No one knows just how it's done and
no one really cares
With a bad magician
bad magician
bad magician
Mirrors don't even enter the picture.
--------------------------------
SWEAR TO GOD
Man with newspaper: Jesus Christ! Goddamn it!
Man without newspaper: What is it?
Man with newspaper: A holy war!
Man without newpaper: Holy cow!
--------------------------------
REACH BY SPEECH
Don't put us to sleep when you're at the wheel
You can't expect us to feel
either way when you talk
Indelible ink's not made of chalk
You make your marks with blunted points
Tongues are not immovable joints
We could swing either way,
but only if we're pushed today
Reach by speech
Each word counts
You won't catch prey
if you don't pounce
To influence you must impress us
Boredom only will depress thus
don't go fishing, why not wait?
Your hooks don't hold your soggy bait
Every year it's someone new
but those tricks, they're always old
How can one choose a quality speaker
when there's no volume control?
Reach by speech
Each word counts
You won't wake me
with muffled sounds.
--------------------------------
666-LUCK
Are you looking for luck? Don't go away.
Today is now your luck day.
Leave your name and number and the best time for us to call
And then you'll be lucky once and for all.
--------------------------------
DON'T HOLD A GRUDGE
When we talk you’re much too picky
which makes the situation sticky
which gets me stuck in all those tricky
games you say I play with you
All those notions in your noggin
keep on, keep on, keep on boggin’
down my chances of uncloggin’
both the lobes you listen through
Don’t hold a grudge
Don’t hold a grudge
Don’t hold a grudge
All it is is mental sludge
When we talk you’re much too picky
which makes the situation sticky
which gets me stuck in all those tricky
games you say I play with you
All those notions in your noggin
keep on, keep on, keep on cloggin’
those emotions which are boggin’
down my words like super glue
I can’t regret what I haven’t said
I can’t regret what I haven’t said
I can’t regret what I haven’t said
yet
Don’t hold a grudge
Don’t hold a grudge
Don’t hold a grudge
You’ve got to learn to budge
I forgive and I forget but I am easily reminded
you’ve reasoned that I’ve treasoned which ain’t pleasin’
either of us
--------------------------------
YOU TAKE THE CAKE
Kenny, Biff, Chip, Phillip, Maria
You take the cake
--------------------------------
ONE SIDE AT A TIME
Let's talk, just the two of us
eventhough three of us are here
It's awkward for one of us 'cause
one brain ain't enough for two ears
Tell it to me one side at a time
otherwise I'm left right in the middle
Tell it to me one side at a time
I'm getting confused in stereo
Let's walk, just a few of us
eventhough more of us are near
It's awkward for some of us
For some of us don't listen, just hear
When words come from two mouths
who can tell who mouths what?
Tell it to me one side at a time
otherwise I'm left right in the middle
Tell it to me one side at a time
I'm getting abused in stereo
High Low
Yes No
Stop Go
Stop!
Three's a crowd but two's a normal conversation
--------------------------------
PIP SQUEAK
Pip squeak (you are a)
Pip squeak
A little oinky pig-face pip squeak
(You are) so weak
(Yes you are) so weak
What a little snivelling geek
(You are) so meek
(Yes you are) so meek
A little oinky pig-face pip squeak
--------------------------------
SHEDDING ONE'S TREAD
Miles and miles of smiles and tears
Many years, many fears
Now it's time to shift gears
Worked on ethic, pride and need
Enough to feed a family
We'd never tolerate any greed
Two-thirds a hundred and changing again
Life can drive one to think
of that youthful fountain as the sink
that's soaking the man that has been
Shedding one's tread, shedding one's tread
Entirely up to me
Shedding one's tread, shedding one's tread
Retirement
I used to have a grip on life
My work worked as a sturdy tread
But now I sit home with my wife
My tire's bald as is my head.
Shedding one's tread, shedding one's tread
Entirely up to me
Shedding one's tread, shedding one's tread
Retirement
--------------------------------
THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE
" . . . and so America, the choice is yours. Do we
bomb Russia or not? The phone lines are now open,
and the number to call is 1-800-321-BOOM.
Remember, each call will cost you 50 cents and
possibly your life . . ."