I HAVE NEVER LIED
I have never lied to anyone,
that kind of thing is done by liars
I have never lied to anyone,
that was my brother who yelled "fire!"
Everything I've ever said is true
Especially all the things I said to you
If I ever lied to anyone
I would know because I'm honest
I have never cried to anyone,
that kind of thing is done by babies
I have never cried to anyone,
no matter how absorbent they be
Every tear I'll ever shed, I'd hide
This is really easy when you stay inside
If I ever cried to anyone
I would laugh because I'm lying
I would swear to tell the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so help me God,
but I'm left handed
I will never side with anyone,
that kind of thing is done by losers
I will never side with anyone,
who said that beggars can't be choosers?
All opinions people have are wrong,
except, of course, the ones that you hear in this song
If I ever side with anyone
it's because I cleaned my mirror
I will never die for anyone,
that kind of thing is done by people
I will never die for anyone,
just to eat dirt that's near a steeple
Every minute I'm alive will be
a new chance to hear my name read on t.v.
If I ever die for anyone
they had better take full credit
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LITTLE MASTERPIECE
The painter places her final stroke
then slowly steps back so to soak in
every inch of her work of art
imbued with all of her soul and heart
You're my little masterpiece
A brand new creative release
From me to you
From me to you yeah
me to you
The new momma nurses her baby boy
you know he's her perfect pride and joy
As she suckles her first son
she thinks "he's the best thing I've ever done"
You're my little masterpiece
A brand new creative release
From me to you
From me to you yeah
me to you
A new planet now complete
so God kicks up his tired feet
there's resources and room to roam
so all you dwellers, welcome home!
You're my little masterpiece
A brand new creative release
From me to you
From me to you yeah
me to you
A common cliche' that's spoken today
says art imitates life
But life is an art form that cannot be mastered,
and once it's done, art lives as a bastard
The ruler plots his next advance
but this time nothing's left to chance
Ultimate victory will be his
as he blows the Earth to bits
You're my little masterpiece
A brand new creative release
From me to you
From me to you yeah
me to you
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IT WON'T BE LONG NOW
I was born with primo genes
which make my bottom and top clean
What goes up must come down
but only one end wears a frown
Hair today and gone tomorrow
I'll keep giving you some skin
Heading for happiness, not sorrow
Bald is how we all begin
So shield your eyes while I take a bow,
It won't be long now
Telly, Mr. Clean and Yul
used their shiny, skin smooth tool
to coax the women through their doors
for hot romance and cleaner floors
The gentle egg sits there in the shade
It had no trouble getting laid
Look at Gandhi and Sinead,
the masses say they got it made
And neither of them had a cow . . .
It won't be long now
Minoxodil is nearly nil
Rugs and weaves are worser still
Transplants you can just forget;
my skull is not some Chia Pet
No need to spray, cut, style or primp
No colorings or permanents
Throw brushes, combs, and driers out
A lesser man would sit and pout
We'd all be better off this way
All people white, black, yellow or grey
would be more similar today
So shave it off now, don't delay!
Barbers are barbarians,
cutting off what's right for them
Some surgery they used to do
so count your ears, there should be two
There's plenty more in other places;
some is private, some is public
The stuff that grows out of my face is
such a nag, I keep it stubbly
So comb it back from your brow,
It won't be long now
Even Buddah got you ta' bow and cow-tow,
It won't be long now
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CAN'T SPEND A CENT
When it's gotten to the point where you can't spend a cent,
and you think about the pennies and the nickels that you lent
to a bum or a chum or a well-to-do gent
Keep your head up
Don't get fed up
So the jangle of your pocket is down to just a clink,
there are many people like you who would simply start to think
of a myriad of methods to acquire food and drink
But of course you'll be resourceful
If fancy food's your fancy, well you just give it up
That sterling silver knife and fork is now a small tin cup
Yes begging can be chancy, but never become timid
A song and dance on knees and hands and all the sky's the limit!
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CRACK THE CASE
Opportunity knocks on my door
after twenty years on the local force
I will show what my badge is for
Here’s my chance to even the score
No more duty at a desk
I will rise above the rest
So this time, yeah this time
I will crack the case
alone
I will crack the case
Promotion’s a notion
that is foremost in my mind
when I solve this crime
These criminals are no match for me
Thinking fast will be the key
Scotland Yard’s a bureaucracy
I’ll handle this personally
No more paperwork at night
Decoration’s in my sight
So this time, yeah this time
I will crack the case
alone
I will crack the case
Emotion’s a potion
I am feeling energized
Lead me to the prize
Because this time, yeah this time
I will crack the case
alone
I will crack the case
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THE MAN THAT TALKED TOO MUCH
Always rehearsing the art of conversing by rapidly dispersing words
The man that talked too much
had a diction addiction
which clouded his nouns and verbs with verbiage
even unclear to Shakespearian heritage
The man that talked too much
could not hear himself thinking
His dabble in gab will assist you in Scrabble
but you'd never enter his tower of babble
The man that talked too much
met the woman that never listened
The man that talked too much was speechless
The man that talked too much
asked the woman for some kissing
The man that talked too much was smitten
But she bit him
He was smitten
But she spit him out
The man that talked too much
preferred violence to silence
A harangue of slang, insults and sarcasm
jumped from his tongue
like a bungee in spasm
The man that talked too much was
taught that if you speak
like dictionary leak
it is a fine technique
for showing you’re a geek
and he’d be better off
if he just shut his beak
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OFTEN I SAUNTER
In the rush, rush, rush of the day
See the push and crush of the people parade
Riding cars, bikes, buses and trains
through the mach 5 circus of Ringmaster Fray;
They’ve no time to clown.
In the hush, hush, hush of the night
Near the plush of the pillow and the shush of polite
Fighting slapstick happenstance dreams
with a keystone copter chopping the scenes;
It’s time they slow down.
So often I saunter
for want of a better way.
Often I saunter
about . . .
About 1 pm, adjoin to them
a gent with a gradual gait
They buzz and blur but I prefer
to simply perambulate;
a slow-motion potentate.
About 1 am, en route to REM
as clocks and masses unwind
They snore and stir but next to her
I’m utterly calm and supine;
an otter aloft in brine.
It is such, such, such a short life
We are specs of dust in eternity’s eye
With so much, much, much far and wide
watch them brush, brush, brush every detail aside;
They don’t see my frown.
So often I saunter
for want of a better way.
Often I saunter
about . . .
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IF EVERYDAY WAS CHRISTMAS
If everyday was Christmas
there would be no more crime
An automatic, everlasting peace in our time.
If everyday was Christmas
there would be no more hate,
and the world would be just great!
If everyday
If everyday
If everyday
was Christmas
Christmas, Christmas
stay a little while
Christmas, Christmas
put a great big smile
on the face
of the human race,
for the rest of the year
Could everyday be Christmas?
In your dreams my dear
For Christmas is a time of cheer
just one day a year
Should everyday be Christmas
just think of all the fun
PUM PUH PUM PUM PUM PUM PUN!
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SMILE ALL THE TIME
If you smile all the time
there'd be no room for crying
When you smile all the time,
all the time is satisfying
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WHEN YOUR NUMBER'S UP
When your number's up --
You jump on the dancefloor, ready to rock
When your number's up --
The lottery jackpot check is on the way
When your number's up --
Telemarketers just won't take no for an answer
When your number's up --
You no longer need "Frazier" as a lead-in
When your number's up --
Shake the thermometer, then climb back in bed
When your number's up --
Sold! To the man with the turquoise necktie
When your number's up --
Advance three spaces and roll again
When your number's up --
Larry King says "Brooklyn, New York, you're on the air"
When your number's up --
The proud new papa presses his face against the glass
When your number's up --
You start to think that maybe Jared's on to something
When your number's up --
All that studying doesn't seem like such a bummer
When your number's up --
Put down the "People", the doctor will see you now
When your number's up --
The maitre d' will show you to your table
When your number's up --
Blow out those candles on your cake
When your number's up --
The dealer slides a pile of chips in your direction
When your number's up --
Pick out the cheesecake you've had your eyes on
When your number's up --
NASDAQ is the sweetest sound you've ever heard
When your number's up --
You're dead
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BLACKOUT
There's a lack of light
in the sky tonight
What a pretty sight
Blackout
Candlesticks were lit
Couples made a kid
Thank the power grid
Blackout
Things like this don't happen 'round here very often
Just goes to show you how repetitive our life is